


Telegrams from hell: fiction in five words

by Francesca (Speranza), julad, Liviapenn



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Sentinel, due South
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M, Other, from the oldest and messiest corners of fandoms past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-02-03
Updated: 2001-02-03
Packaged: 2018-01-06 07:19:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1104017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Speranza/pseuds/Francesca, https://archiveofourown.org/users/julad/pseuds/julad, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liviapenn/pseuds/Liviapenn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>These are like telegrams from hell. -- Ces</p>
            </blockquote>





	Telegrams from hell: fiction in five words

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted about February 2001.
> 
> So Julad and Livia were chatting on IRC when Livia decided to share her The Tick/The Matrix crossover, a fanfic that just happens to be only five words long. More or less inspired by the Fourteen Word Fanfics of Laura Jacquez Valentine and Basingstoke and RavenD, Julad and Livia challenged each other to write more five word fanfics. Then Ces and Virg joined in, and things got a little crazy.

**Crossovers**

**[Livia] The Tick/The Matrix: "SPOON!!" "There is no spoon."**

****

[Ces] "Look, Jim--*he'll* taste it!" DS/TS

**Due South**

[Livia] He made me say please.

[Ces] "Thank you kindly," he gasped.

[Ces] "Ray. Ray. Ray. Ray. Yes."

[Ces] "Up north we always--" "Shhhh."

[Ces] "Take your hat off, Frase."

[Julad] "I thought you'd be tighter."

[Ces] "I came with my boots on."

[Ces] "Italian, Polish--what's the difference?"

[Ces] "Say 'fuck me' in Canadian!"

[Ces] "Gulp--Frase, what's caribou style?"

**Highlander**

[Livia] "There can only--" *whack* "Gotcha."

[Virg] "Decide -- me or the goat!"

[Julad] "No, not *that* big sword!!"

**X-Files**

[Virg] Alien anal probes: I believe

[Julad] I want to be sheathed.

**'Buffy' and 'Angel'**

[Livia] "Dennis ironed your shirt, Wes."

[Julad] Spike/Xander: "Will you stop bloody screaming?"

[Julad] Angel/Doyle: "Whaddya mean, it's too cold?"

[Julad] Xander/Willow: "Let's just play Monopoly instead."

[Julad] Xander's coming out scene: "Mom, dad, I'm a homo-necrophiliac."

**Miscellaneous**

[Julad] Voyager: Resistance is... not without advantages.

[Livia] Evil TPM slash: "What know you of ready?"

[Virg] Queer as Folk: "That's not a twat, twat!"

[Julad] Sports Night: "See that "on air" signal..."

**The Sentinel**

[Livia] "Unlock these cuffs. No. Wait..."

[Ces] "Come back to me, Jim."

[Julad] Okay, new challenge. five word past life rentboy fic.  
[Livia] "How much, sugar?" Oddly familiar...  
[Ces] "The check's in the mail."  
[Ces] "That's two Ls in Ellison."  
[Julad] Appointment on answering machine. Oops.  
[Ces] "Your rent just went up."

[Livia] Post-Switchman vignette:  
[Livia] "Who's the punk now, baby?"

[Ces] "You Neo-hippy Witchdoctor--" "Blow me."

[Julad] past life one. "dreamed of togas. ass hurts."

[Ces] "I'm not cutting--" "Just wait."

[Ces] "Blair's observership was over now."

[Ces] "Blair shuddered and stopped observing."

[Ces] "Now?" "Yes, now!" Blair moaned.

[Livia] "These your boxers?" "Um.... why?"

[Ces] "It's about friendship." "Yeah, right."  
[Ces] Post Flight.

[Julad] "Jim, you seen my cucumber?"

[Ces] "Dial it down!" "I can't!"

[Ces] Switchman: "See the man!" "I'm looking!"

[Livia] "Jim. Dude. I already knew."

[Ces] "I'm not repressed. I'm...organized."

[Julad] "Jim, who are you kidding?"

[Ces] "In hindsight, I'd've preferred Larry."

[Livia] Puppy eyes and dogs' morals.

[Virg] Just say no: table legs

[Ces] "Up yours, Jim." "Yes, please."

[Livia] "...blow me." "I HEARD that!"

[Ces] "Neanderthal...isn't a slam, Jim."

[Julad] Blair character sketch: face like a phone, ringing

[Ces] "Neanderthal meets the New Age" : TS summary

[Julad] Next Week: Jim Finds Out.

[Ces] Blair took charge and grinned.

[Livia] "Fuck this alpha-male shit. C'mere."

[Julad] "Carolyn tried that... only once."

[Julad] "Ji-iiim, what would Simon say?"

[Livia] "Cassie said no threesome." "Damn."

[Ces] "Sorry, Blair. The battery's dead."

[Livia] "A mullet? Dear God, Blair..."

[Virg] "It doesn't have dials, Blair."

[Julad] "There's another piercing, you know."

[Ces] "Gee, Chief--you *are* short!"  
[Ces] or  
[Ces] "Gee, Chief--you *are* Jewish."

[Livia] "Put down the ruler, Chief."

[Ces] "Turn off the camera." "Damn."

[Virg] "Research my aching ass, Chief!"

[Julad] post, forget ep name: "Jim. Real men *like* omelettes."

[Ces] "What's wrong with ostrich meat?"

[Ces] Part of the gee, chief series:  
[Ces] "Gee, Chief--you're *not* vegetarian!"

[Virg] "Tube steak for dinner again?"

[Ces] Blair really was meat-eating.

[Livia] "No more fish tacos." "Why?"

[Ces] "Taste this tongue." "Hell, yeah!"

[Ces] "Forget it, Chief--heightened senses."

[Ces] "Jim zoned with a smile."

[Ces] "But Burton said--" "Fuck Burton."

[Ces] Blair's dislike of fountains increased.

[Julad] "No pets. One is enough."

[Livia] "Sweetheart!?" "Mom! Learn to knock!"

[Ces] Two bedrooms--one too many.

[Ces] The Volvo's windows fogged up.

[Julad] "Jim, that was the neighbours..."

[Ces] "Not *another* psycho girlfriend, Sandburg!"

[Ces] "What's for dinner, Chief?" "Beer."

[Ces] "God, Blair--you're a wuss!"

[Ces] "I'm out of conditioner, man!"

[Julad] Love you, but ..... Simon's bigger.

[Livia] "Jim, I... I'm a lesbian."

[Ces] "Milk. Eggs. Beer. Condoms. Gotcha."

[Ces] "But I *like* the handcuffs!"

[Julad] "Home at eight. Be naked."

[Livia] "Whaddaya gonna do? Arrest me?"

[Julad] "I hope those aren't feathers."

[Livia] "Sandburg, no-- the *germs*--" "Wuss."

[Ces] "Stop hiding the lube, Chief!"

[Julad] "Jim, seriously, you'll regret asking."

[Julad] "hold still, this won't hurt."

[Ces] "Rule 47: Cap the lube."

[Virg] "I feel them squirming, Blair."

[Ces] "I heard him jerk off."

[Ces] "Don't zone out *now*, man!!"

[Ces] "Need a guide. Need you."

**The "Oz Sniffed" Series**

[Livia] Oz sniffed Doyle. "Guinness. Cool."

[Livia] Oz sniffed Fraser. "Maple syrup?"

[Livia] Oz sniffed Blair. "Mmm, sandalwood."

[Julad] Oz sniffed Jim. "Obviously taken."

[Livia] Oz sniffed Bigfoot. "Mulder? Really?"

[Julad] Oz sniffed RayK. "not Italian."

[Livia] Oz sniffed Scully. "It's Mulder's."

[Livia] Oz sniffed Virg. "Hey, meta-fic."

**More Sentinel**

[Ces] Blair smelled of sandalwood. Disgusting.

[Ces] Blair shrieked. Jim hit him.

[Ces] "Burton *says* you're mine, Chief."

[Ces] "Of *course* it'll fit in!"

[Ces] "Open wide, Jim! Choo-choo!"

[Ces] "Ok, so Burton took drugs..."

[Ces] "Wonderburger? Why not eat *me*?"

[Livia] He has to sleep sometime.

[Julad] Double length TS story: "kama sutra, arabian nights, sentinels of paraguay. See, a trilogy!"

[Ces] "Want you." "You have me."

[Virg] "It *is* health food, Blair."

[Livia] Then Miskatonic U hired Blair.

[Ces] Blair's published dissertation sold poorly.

[Ces] Three million didn't go far.

[Ces] "But it's half after tax!..."

[Julad] "But Burton published juicy stuff."


End file.
